


The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boys

by darth_stitch



Category: Band of Brothers, Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Bear - Freeform, Crack, Ewoks, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, M/M, Romance, SNRFB, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-05
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-07 12:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1899756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somewhere in the SHIELD archives, which eventually got released to the public, much to the amusement and joy of everyone who ever said "I SHIPPED IT!!!!!" is a List. </p>
<p>The List was compiled by the long-suffering Colonel Phillips, who should have been more thankful that Steven Grant Rogers was the lone Super Soldier from Erskine's Project Rebirth.   Add in Sgt. Bucky Barnes and the Howling Commandos and it was a sheer miracle that Phillips managed to make it through the war with his sanity relatively intact.  Mostly.  Sort of.  </p>
<p>He's still not going to accept a teddy bear as a Corporal in his own regiment.  God damn it!</p>
<p>(A collection of all the Tumblr fics I've ever written that involve Captain Barnes, Mrs. Rogers, the Howlies and Bucky Bear.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mrs. Rogers and Captain Barnes

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Skippy's List, Howling Commandos Version](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/59262) by Odsbodkins. 



> **Disclaimer:** If they were mine, y'all would be SURE that I'd have Bucky as an Avenger and the boys would be getting married by now. I promise to put 'em back in Marvel's toy box as soon as I'm done. SNRFB FTW!

For the record, it was Dugan who started referring to Bucky Barnes as “Mrs. Rogers.”    
  
Also, for the record, Dugan and the rest of the boys did not give a rat’s ass as to whether a man had an eye for the dames or the fellas, especially after managing to live through several near-death experiences, to say nothing of how the good Sergeant had managed to save all of them more than once while they were HYDRA POW’s.   Dugan knows that he would’ve been the next lab rat for the mad scientists to play with, if Barnes hadn’t gotten in the way first. 

There were plenty of chickenshit officers in the war.  Too many dumb fucks who couldn’t read a map, watched too many war movies, thought if they yelled their orders and kept yelling, they’d be able to pass muster with their men.  So yeah, no, Dugan and the boys weren’t about to give up on the NCO’s and the few officers who _did_ their jobs right, the few men that they’d actually follow into battle willingly.

  
So Dugan kept his yap shut about certain things.  When the guys started chewing the rag, trying to pass the long seemingly endless hours of waiting between getting their asses blown off, wives and sweethearts were often a topic for discussion.   Everyone had their say - except Sergeant Barnes, who’d just grinned and made some sort of wiseass remark to deflect.    
  
So most everyone in their platoon wondered who Sergeant Barnes’ mysterious sweetheart was, if he even had one.  But of course he had one, because he’d made more than one English dame blush and go all a-twitter and hell, they’d all seen him sweet-talk the dames, but never really take it far beyond simple flirting.  So it stood to reason that a guy like that definitely had a sweetheart waiting for him at home.  
  
There was a betting pool.  Of course there was - Dugan had a good deal of money riding on it too.  
  
It wasn’t until just a month or so before they were captured that Dugan won that pool.  
  
Barnes finally cracked and spoke about his baby - yeah, that was what he said, “My baby’s home safe, thank God.”  He gets all poetical about his baby, too - it was sweet.  Sunshine hair and eyes like a summer sky.  A smile to take a man out at the knees.   Smart and sassy, a real firecracker, for all that she was a tiny thing.  An art student, classy and too good for him but hell, he ain’t about to question his good luck.    
  
Stephanie.  He shortens it to _Stevie_ , which was a funny nickname for a dame but hell with it.  It was _her_ name and maybe Dugan’s gotten his heart broken in the past, what with getting a Dear John letter right before he shipped out, but he knew how it felt like, having this _one_ name, the most beautiful name in the world.   Barnes gets all funny when he says her name, saying it with a wry twist to his lips, like there was some joke there that only he got.  
  
But then, their lives actually go from FUBAR to being flat out in a comic book, what with being rescued by _Captain America_ , getting into giant-ass super tanks that would make Panzers cry for their mommas, shooting big ass ray guns like Buck Rogers.  Shit, their new Captain’s real name was _Rogers_ and he’s like some sort of real life Superman, what with the crazy super strength.  

And one would think, a guy like this, there’s gotta be a catch.  Maybe he’d be the kind of chickenshit officer Dugan and the boys have seen before, all about the rank and the pretty medals.  But he’s not.  He leads them out of enemy lines, makes sure the sick and the wounded get to ride on their stolen vehicles, gets everything squared away for everyone.  Sets up the watch properly, somehow knows each and everyone of them by name, does these ridiculous, quiet, little _kind_ things that mean the world to a fella whose head is already screwed over by this fucking war.  A fucking, actual _hero_ , the kind a guy would follow into hell and back for.  

Later on, Dugan and the boys get a chance to know Steven Rogers for real.  They learn that he and Sergeant Barnes were best friends since they were kids and funny how Dugan remembers that sometimes Barnes talks about “Stevie” and then corrects himself and says, “My buddy Steve.”  They learn that he used to be a ninety pound asthmatic who pretty much could pick up every sickness under the sun but somehow made it past twenty. 

They learn that he really _is_ that endlessly kind and they could get him to blush easy, but he’ll laugh it off and shoot back nonsense with the rest of them, sassing back with ease.  They learn that he can draw and they can make him blush even more by asking him to draw pin-ups, maybe a request for somebody like Rita Hayworth.  Steve’s rendering of sweet Rita was something a fella could take into his dreams. 

And Dugan gets to thinking.  Blonde hair.  Blue eyes.  Firecracker Irish temper.  Sees the way he lights up like sunshine in Barnes’ company.  Watches how Sergeant Barnes looks at him like he’s the center of his universe.  Fusses over him like he’s _still_ ninety pounds, yells at him when he thinks “Stevie” is being a “colossal, reckless punk taking too many damn risks; I don’t care if you’re Captain Fucking America, you ain’t getting yourself killed on my watch, you hear me?”

Stephanie.  Steven.  _Stevie._

Wasn’t hard to put two and two together after that. 

So Dugan and the boys, they’re sitting together with a cuppa coffee and maybe something a bit stronger - Jim’s good at getting stuff like that.  And Cap and Sarge are at the medics, both walking wounded because they’d gotten hit covering for each other and arguing like they’ve been married fifty years along the way.

"Looks like somebody’s gonna be sleepin’ outside the tent tonight, fellas," Gabe says wryly. 

"Mrs. Rogers ain’t happy, that’s for certain," Dugan observes. 

Monty’s lips twitch.  “He’ll never win an argument with the ol’ Trouble and Strife.  Best he learn that right early.”

Dernier snorts.  They’ve all picked up French because of him, so it isn’t hard to translate, _You think Captain Barnes is going to give up that easy? Adorable cabbages, the both of them._

Jim snickers. “Just another SNRFB situation, fellas.  Nothing to worry about.  Mom and Pops ain’t gonna divorce on us.” 

Dugan raises a hand.  “I’m living with Mom then, if they do divorce.”

"Somebody has to look after Pops then," Jim sighs dramatically.  "Might as well be me, I guess."

They all look at each other.  It doesn’t really need to be said.  They’ve all figured it out for themselves.  They’re still going to follow their Captain and Sergeant straight into the jaws of hell anyway.  Spit at the red-skulled devil himself along the way.

Monty raises a tin cup for a toast.  “To Mrs. Rogers and Captain Barnes then.  All our best wishes for a long and happy marriage.”

They laugh and they toast to it. 

_An Epilogue:_

For the record, “SNRFB” was not an acceptable response when asked for a report. 

Also, the little Bucky Bear that Gabe managed to get for Barnes as a joke, was _not_ the youngest baby of “Mrs. Rogers and Captain Barnes.”

"I’m a teddy bear," Barnes had said flatly.

Rogers grins.  “He’s awful cute, though.”  And cuddles said bear close with a goofy grin.  The bear even has a replica of Barnes’ blue coat. 

"A fucking, honest to god teddy bear."

"Aw, Bucks, you’re still cuter than the bear.  It ain’t taking your place in my heart."

"You can sleep with the bear tonight then."

Truth was, Rogers doesn’t stay in the doghouse for long.  And the bear becomes the team mascot anyway.  It was Rogers who gave it a field promotion to _Corporal_ and even sewed on the appropriate stripes to its jacket. 

Colonel Phillips still doesn’t recognize Corporal Bucky Bear’s position in his army but it got Agent Carter to laugh and that’s something. 

_\- end -_


	2. About Corporal Bucky Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Pvt. Bucky Bear got his promotion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a response to a question on [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/89219610796/so-about-corporal-bucky-bear) \- instead of giving a plain answer, I ficced. I couldn't help myself.

Gabe Jones had an evil sense of humor, which was not surprising, considering the company he kept. 

He claimed that “Mom” and “Pops” must be feeling a bit anxious, what with having all their chicks out of the nest as it were, so he thought that it would be a fantastic idea that they ought to have one last baby to fuss over.

Hence, the Bucky Bear.

Also, “Fuck you very much, Gabe,” was Bucky’s reaction to this, which sent everyone into gales of laughter.

Gabe pretends to consider it.  “I think that’s against the commandments somewhere.  Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s wife — “

The bear gets thrown at Gabe’s head.  It would have hit except _somebody_ intercepts it. 

"You don’t throw the baby around like that," Steve says with mock sternness.  He’s also _blushing_ and it’s hilarious that Steve’s been in the Army this long already and considering where they both lived and grew up, that he can still blush.  But the blush is at odds with the mischievous look in his eyes and at that point, Bucky just gives up.  Resistance was futile and he was just about FUBAR anyway. 

Bucky the Bear is solemnly drafted into the U.S. Army and into the Commandos as a Private. 

They’ve all been wounded in some form or the other during this whole damn war and personally, Bucky considers it a miracle that none of them are dead yet. 

So of course, _of course_ Bucky gets hurt pretty badly during the last HYDRA raid they did and the goons opened fire on them using some sort of experimental weapon.  Again.  The first guy who got hit - some poor unfortunate soul from another unit - he’d gotten sick, God only knew what and died.  The second didn’t make it long enough even to get to the medics. 

Bucky doesn’t know how he’s still alive.  Granted, Steve had tossed him his shield and he’d managed to deflect most of the blast.  Still, everyone else thinks he’s lucky that he’s pretty much holed up in bed with what looks like a pretty bad case of ‘flu, to say nothing about a couple of gunshot wounds to the shoulder and leg from regular good ol’ fashioned firearms. 

Long story short, Sergeant Barnes is sitting out the next mission.

He hates it. 

The good news is that the meds seem to be kicking in and the docs are predicting that he’ll recover pretty soon.  In fact, they’re already amazed at his progress.  Healthy as a horse, that was James Buchanan Barnes for you. 

He’s still sitting out this next mission.  Which means he can’t watch out for Steve’s six, the way only _he_ can.

Okay, so Bucky knows he’s being irrational and that, right there, is part of the reason why the guys have playfully christened him “wifey” and “Mrs. Rogers” and “war bride.”  Well, only the Commandos are allowed to do this.  Anyone else gets their face beat in.  Dum Dum doesn’t mind enforcing that lesson with the other fellas. 

But Bucky still can’t get rid of the feeling that if he’s not there to watch Steve’s six, his trouble-prone punk isn’t going to come back alive.  And Bucky knows perfectly well what he’s going to do in a world without Steve Rogers. 

So because this is how they operate, the night before Steve and the rest of the guys go on their next mission - which happens to be a search and rescue by the way - the two of them are arguing.  Bucky’s feeling slightly more human, which for him, is a vast improvement and he can walk and shoot, which translates to: “I’m coming in on this one, Steve and you can’t stop me.”

So Steve pulls rank.

On the goddamn teddy bear.

Bucky’s not sure how Steve manages to keep a straight face as he addresses the fuzzy, blue-coated stuffed toy but he does.  “Private Bear, your orders are to keep Sergeant Barnes from leaving his sickbed and impeding his recovery.  You sit on him if you have to, do you understand me?”

"Sir, yessir," Bucky drawls, sarcasm levels at an all time high.  

And Steve sniffs.  “I’m not speaking to you, Sergeant.   I’m speaking to the bear.”  And he plops the toy on the pillow, right next to Bucky’s head.   Then he takes his leave.

So Bucky looks at the bear, who, he imagines, is solemnly looking back with big button black eyes.  “Whaddaya lookin’ at, pal?”  He growls.

_Nothing, Sarge._

Goddamn Steve anyway.

So this is how the next few hours crawl by, Bucky’s restlessly shifting on his bed, brain working overtime, all sorts of scenarios of how things could go terribly fucking wrong going in his mind.  He tries to pass the time by reading from the battered copy of _The Hobbit_ next to his bedside table - a gift from Monty.  But little wooly-footed Bilbo Baggins makes Bucky think of Steve and oh wow, this is so not the time to be thinking of Steve as his tiny, scrappy self going off to face the proverbial dragon in his lair. 

It doesn’t help that he didn’t have the sense to kiss his punk good luck instead of wasting time arguing with him. 

He tosses the book back on the side table with a smothered curse and just hits the bed in frustration. He should be out there.  Maybe he could get up, look for Agent Carter —

— and Bucky Bear tumbles right onto his chest. 

_You sit on him if you have to._

And damn it if the bear didn’t just fall the right way, so that it was looking up at Bucky and somehow has this same dopey, puppy look that Steve gets when he’s trying to wheedle Bucky into doing things, not that Bucky’s actually immune to that particular look, not when it was Steve Rogers.   

If he takes a whiff, the bear smells a bit like Steve.

When Agent Carter comes in to check on Bucky, she finds Bucky fast asleep, cuddling with his bear namesake.  She smiles, lifts the blanket up a little higher on his shoulders and leaves him to his rest. 

The mission was a success.  Steve and the rest of the Howling Commandos are safe and sound.  She’ll tell Bucky all about it when he wakes up. 

She doesn’t actually get a chance though.  Captain Rogers ends up finding his sergeant and their bear sleeping soundly and quietly passed the time by sketching them both for posterity.  When Bucky the human wakes up, there are quiet “I’m sorry’s” and “I’m sorry” kisses involved from both Captain and Sergeant and well, the Howling Commandos are pleased to learn that “Mom and Pops” aren’t divorcing any time soon. 

It must be said that Captain Rogers was so pleased at how loyal and efficient a soldier Private Bear was, to say nothing of him helping Sergeant Barnes recover a lot faster than expected, that he field promoted the little bear to Corporal immediately.  Corporal Bucky Bear wore his stripes proudly. 

It was soon discovered that Corporal Bear was also quite effective in taking charge of the unit when Captain and Sergeant were indisposed. 

_\- end -_


	3. An Addendum to the Howling Commandos Skippy’s List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the "kids" play a prank on "Mom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/90554644001/an-addendum-to-the-howling-commandos-skippys-list)

 

It must be said that the Howling Commandos were all possessed of a singular sense of humor. Read: “You’re all a buncha wiseasses” - per Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.

It was due to this that the Commandos, except for their Captain, who sensibly feared the wrath of his better half, hit upon a fantastic idea to cheer up their sergeant. Barnes had recently been wounded and was still in recovery but was expected to rejoin them soon. They all figured it would amuse their Captain as well, who was being quite disgustingly mopey without his beloved “missus.”

Thus, it was Dum Dum who hit upon the idea of swaddling Corporal Bucky Bear just like an infant, sneaking him into a soundly sleeping human Bucky’s arms, taking a picture and making copies of said picture with the caption: “Congratulations! It’s a boy!!”

The good Captain was honestly bewildered when various grinning soldiers came up to him with cigars, congratulating him on the birth of his firstborn cub… er…. son.

The War Bride was not pleased with the prank and consequently, the rest of the Commandos spent the better part of two days avoiding the wrath of Mrs. Rogers. Unfortunately, Captain Rogers was highly disinclined to save the “kids” from their “mother.”

Colonel Phillips gulped down two shots of whiskey, ignored the snickering of Agent Carter, who was godmother to Corporal Bear and composed the following:

_#41. It is never a good idea to piss off Mrs. Rogers. Please remember that he is one of the best snipers in our unit, moves like a fucking ghost and will put a bullet in your head before you even realize he’s there._

_#42. Stop congratulating Captain Rogers about his baby boy. It’s a goddamn teddy bear and no, it is not a corporal, we do not have teddy bear corporals in my goddamn army. No, congratulating the happy couple for a healthy bear cub doesn’t count either. You’ll piss off Barnes. See #41._


	4. A Conversation Between Captain Rogers and Mrs. Rogers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Captain Rogers does want babies with Mrs. Rogers. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/90596433956/a-conversation-between-captain-rogers-and-mrs-rogers)

Contrary to popular opinion (read: Bucky Barnes), Steve Rogers was _not_ an idiot.

So he carefully telegraphed his disapproval of the Howling Commandos’ latest prank and stayed out of the way when Bucky went on the warpath.  And all right, so maybe he was sort of, kind of, maybe _cuddling_ poor neglected Corporal Bucky Bear but _somebody_ had to look after the baby, right?

Peggy wryly offered her services for babysitting duty, considering that Steve had proclaimed her Bucky Bear’s godmother (while making sure that human Bucky was not in earshot).  She gently booped him on the nose.

"You are a _ridiculous_ man, Captain Rogers and your better half is _equally_ ridiculous.  You _know_ that, right?”

He gives her his best, innocent, “Who me?” smile.  If things had been different and if he hadn’t been so hopelessly gone on Bucky, he might have fallen completely for Peggy.  As it was, he still adored her as a friend though. 

And thus, the whole Innocent Act wasn’t fooling her a single bit.  She laughed and said, “Well don’t look now, but Trouble and Strife seems to be headed in your direction, Captain.”  

Peggy left him alone and Steve could’ve really used some reinforcements at this point but okay, he was a grown man, he could handle this.  Right.  There was Bucky, who was _stalking_ (really, there wasn’t a better word, Steve would swear up and down on that) his way.  Steve braced himself and tried not to use poor Bucky Bear as a shield.

As it turned out, he _should’ve_ used the teddy bear because Bucky poked him right in the chest.

"You."

"Whatever it is, I didn’t do it!" Steve said on reflex.  Then winced. 

"No, you punk.  I can see it written all over your face.  You actually want _babies.”_

Steve gulped.  “Need I remind you that I’ve _held_ babies?  And I’m not really into the whole screaming in my ear thing.  And 3 am feedings.  And diaper changes.”

"Bullshit.  The neighborhood babies loved you.  Mrs. Wilson actually wanted you to babysit that little monster of hers whenever you weren’t sick!"

"Awww, Wade Junior wasn’t so bad."

Bucky poked him again.  “No, it’s not just the baby thing.  You actually want babies.  With _me._ ”

Steve tried to keep his poker face.  Bucky _taught_ him better than this.  But then again, it was _Bucky_ and okay, wow, the Poker Face was failing.  Failing terribly at this point.

So okay, he went for broke.  “Yes, I want babies with you.  I know we’re both men and neither of us is physically able to give birth to babies and it’s stupid, but I do.  I want us to get out of this war and have a white picket fence.  I want to marry you if it was actually allowed.  I’d get down on my knees right now and give you a ring if I could — “

"You have my Ma’s ring," Bucky said, with a funny look on his face.  "I gave it to you before I left."

"To _pawn_ you said!” Steve protested.  He went pink.  “It’s still with me.  I’d never get rid of it, Buck.”

Bucky took his hand.  “It used to fit your finger too.” He stroked gently around Steve’s ring finger and really, they were in plain sight and it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea to start stealing kisses at this moment. 

Steve still had that shot of reckless courage going for him though.  “James Buchanan Barnes, did you actually _propose_ to me in _secret?  Without actually letting me know?”_

It was Bucky’s turn to glare at him defiantly.  “Yeah.  You accepted the ring anyway!  And oh, by the way, were we not already doing the for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, death do us part thing even back then?” 

"You’re a jerk.  Point taken.  Also, the answer is yes.  Even if we can’t have our babies."

Bucky snorted, reached out for Corporal Bucky Bear and cuddled him.  “We’ll always have our Baby Bear.”

Steve grinned goofily at him and there were promises in that grin, promises of good and proper kissing as soon as they were in private.  And he knew Bucky was definitely going to collect on that promise. 

"Hey, you guys know you have a really ugly kid, right?" Somebody catcalled. 

Bucky growled.  “Baby? Take care of the kid, okay? Gotta go kick some ass.”

Later on, Corporal Phillips would make another addition on to the famous “List.”

#43.  _Please do not insult the goddamn Bucky Bear._ _If you wouldn’t insult a baby in his mother’s presence, then don’t do it to the bear._

#44.   _If you’re dumb enough to be an asshole to the goddamn teddy bear, then nothing’s gonna save you from the bear’s mama, papa, his godfathers and his godmother.  Don’t come crying to me, son.  I’m the bear’s godfather too._

_\- end -_


	5. #41. It is never a good idea to piss off Mrs. Rogers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bucky hears about the grenade story, part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/90693267931/41-it-is-never-a-good-idea-to-piss-off-mrs-rogers)
> 
> This was an expansion of a [headcanon](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/89612439606/ink-phoenix-boopboopbi-kirkspocks-imagine) I added to when I saw it being blogged by the lovely ink-phoenix and boopboopbi on tumblr.

_You don’t win wars with niceness, doctor. You win wars with guts._

Of course, that was when the teeny, itty-bitty 90 pound asthmatic throws himself right over the goddamn grenade.

Yeah it was a dud.  But Steve Rogers didn’t know that.  He’d been prepared to sacrifice himself for a bunch of raw recruits that didn’t even _like_ him.  Fine, to be fair, it was Hodges who did most of the bullying and the rest of the unit just shrugged in silence and a couple of them had been heard to take Hodges aside and ask him to give “the little guy a break, huh? You don’t see him giving up no matter what Basic throws at him even when he’s half dead.” 

Colonel Chester Philips wasn’t blind to what was going on in his own regiment.  He knew the score. 

And Steve Rogers was _still_ an itty bitty gerbil. A cute, _gutsy_ gerbil, mind you, but you don’t win wars with cute little gerbils no matter how gutsy they are! 

Of course, looking back, that kind of insane courage should have prepared the good Colonel for what would be a solo suicide mission to rescue _one_ missing soldier.  Officially, the tally was 425 POW’s and that was accurate, because Rogers walked back into camp with those men, having rescued the majority of the missing 107th.  It was the sergeant walking at his side that Rogers had risked _everything_ for, the same sergeant for whom Phillips was already composing a condolence letter addressed to _Steven Grant Rogers_.  

Much, much later, Phillips was going to do his research.  He was going to find out that Steve Rogers and James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes had grown up together, were inseparable as peas in a pod and were, in fact, _living_ together prior to Barnes being drafted.  He was going to find out that Barnes was known to be _very_ protective of Rogers, which was not a surprise considering even _Phillips_ was occasionally overcome with urges to haul off what had been the itty-est, bitty-est soldier in Uncle Sam’s Army and feed him up with several sandwiches.  Agent Carter was heard muttering about her Grandmother’s recipe for a good _toad in the hole_ to give to Rogers, whatever _that_ was.   

And really, Phillips should’ve known that Barnes was going to hear about the grenade story. 

Phillips had to admit it.  He’d gotten a bit soft in his old age.  Maybe he’d spent a little too much time behind the battlefield instead of getting down and dirty in the trenches with his men.  He’d _known_ that he was supposed to die in this war, preferably taking a few Nazis plus ol’ Adolf himself with him.

He should’ve remembered the golden rule in war - _always sleep with one eye open._

So of course, he’s startled out of a very sound sleep by some very familiar _clicks_. 

The clicks of a rifle being reassembled.

And he opens his eyes to see Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, murder clearly in those icy blue eyes, sitting at the foot of his cot, calmly putting that sniper rifle of his together.

 _Sniper._ Jesus H. Christ.

The fact that Phillips is technically Barnes’ superior officer and that he could, conceivably, have the man’s ass in a sling before he could say “bullets for your best guy’s gun” wasn’t a deterrent for Barnes.  The message was pretty clear - he’d have a bullet between his eyes before he could even say “I’m sorry for throwing a dud grenade and putting your itty bitty husband in danger.  Would you like to come in for a cuppa, Mrs. Rogers?”

Of course, he didn’t get to say that.  It was Barnes who said in a quiet, even voice that was all the more frightening, “I heard about the grenade story.”

He finished up, slung the rifle over his soldiers, saluted with a “Sir!” that did not sound in the least bit ironic, for all its icy politeness and got out as silently as he came in.

In fact, Phillips wasn’t even sure how the fucking hell Barnes made it into his tent.

Fucking ghost. 

_\- end -_


	6. In Which Mrs. Rogers Puts the Fear of God Into Captain Rogers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bucky hears about the grenade story, part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/90729772181/in-which-mrs-rogers-puts-the-fear-of-god-into-captain)

Steve Rogers should have known better.

It was inevitable that the “grenade story” would reach the ears of one James Buchanan Barnes, courtesy of the soldiers from Steve’s Basic Training days.  They were quite eager to share the Epic First Tale wherein Captain Rogers would show the signs of the sheer, insane bravery that would lead him to do a one-man rescue of 400 POW’s.  

It was quietly passed around that Captain Rogers actually went there to save Sergeant Barnes and… well, most of them understood.   There were just as many stories of soldiers in this war and a great many others who would do exactly the same for a good buddy.  They didn’t even need a fancy-ass superhero nickname to do it. 

And of course, those who knew how to use their eyes and their ears quietly took note of the fact that apparently Rogers and Barnes were childhood best friends and that Barnes was ferociously protective of Rogers, even though Rogers could apparently take on Hitler and the entire Nazi Army all by himself at this point. 

The Howling Commandos tried to give the two men their privacy.  They really did.  They sat outside the tent where Rogers and Barnes were having what should be a private discussion about the “Grenade Incident”… except that Barnes tended to be a bit _loud_ and Rogers matched him easily. 

Dum Dum, of course, couldn’t help but make this observation.  “Guess the honeymoon’s over for Captain and Mrs. Rogers, eh?”

"That’s why it’s called the ol’ Trouble and Strife, my good man," Monty said sagely. 

Dernier usually preferred to speak in his native French, but he decided to let the rest of them off from his ongoing attempts to teach them all a “civilized language.”  “Eh, _le Capitaine_ and his lovely bride will kiss and … how you say … make-up, eventually.  It’s the way of all marriages.”

_Did you even think for just one fucking second that I didn’t even want you to be in this fucking war in the first place?  Because of exactly this kind of fucking situation?  Super Serum or no there ain’t no comin’ back from a grenade, Steve!_

Everyone winced.

"Just say you’re sorry and get it over with, you dumbass," Jim muttered.

Nope.  No can do.  Rogers was just as stubborn as Barnes was.

_I wanted to come home to you, you fucking moron!  If you died, I’d have nothing!  No one to come home to.  I’d have nothing left._

_“_ ohshit,” Gabe muttered quietly.  They all exchanged wide-eyed looks.  So fine, they’d made jokes.  They couldn’t help it.  They’d all seen how Barnes looked at Rogers like he was the sun in his sky.  They’d all noticed how Rogers looked exactly the same.  They also knew the kind of chickenshit other people would pull off if this got out. 

"We ain’t gonna let nothin’ happen to Mom and Pops.  Anyone who has a problem with it, tell ‘em to take it up with me," Dum Dum growled.

"And me, Ace," Jim joined in.

Gabe raised a hand.  “Count me in.”

“ _Moi aussi,”_ Dernier assented.  “ _Sainte Mere Marie_ watch over them.”

"Amen," Monty agreed.

Steve spoke, but this time, his voice was too low to make out any words.  And then, there was a worrying silence.  And it stretched out uncomfortably. 

"Think we ought to check if those two chaps are all right?" Monty asked. 

"I’ll do it," Jim volunteered.  Barnes was the quietest among them but Jim came a close second when it came to moving stealthily.  So it was easy as pie to casually check Rogers’ and Barnes’ tent, just to make sure they hadn’t actually killed each other.

And then Jim hurriedly made his way back to the others, cheeks flaming.

Dernier crowed. 

"Looks like Mom and Pops ain’t divorcin’ after all, hey?" Dum Dum snickered.

Jim fanned himself rapidly.  “Yeah.  Pretty much.  Maybe we’ll have another brother before long.”

There was a soft moan, carried over to them by the wind.

They all froze.  And then looked at each other and started laughing.

Yeah.  Captain and Mrs. Rogers were going to be all right.  The Howling Commandos would make sure of it. 

Eventually, there was going to be an addendum to Colonel Phillips’ infamous List.

#45.  For the love of Christ, please stop telling the Grenade Story when Mrs. Rogers is present.  We’re not going to answer for the consequences if you do.  See #41.  _It is never a good idea to piss off Mrs. Rogers_.  Again, fucking sniper who’s a fucking ghost when he wants to be.  You’ve been warned.

_\- end -_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have additional headcanon by the lovely twilightshadow [Here at AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1897758)


	7. this is how we booked it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally posted as a response to a question on [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/89843786886/hey-howling-commandos-i-have-a-question-have-you-guys)

_Transcript of an interview conducted with former Howling Commando Jim Morita.  This interview would later appear in the biography: "Brooklyn's Boys:  Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes."_

**Q:  Have you guys ever had to book it to hide from Mrs. Rogers?**

JM:  

I think you people are pretty familiar about how … uh… protective Sergeant Barnes is of Captain Rogers.  We used to joke that his codename should really be "Ghost" because that man could sneak up on just about anyone, even Cap and there's a few Nazis and HYDRA guys out there who've got good cause to agree with us. 

And you really don’t want a sniper pissed off at you.  You can take that to the bank, ace.  

I mean, Colonel Phillips found that out which is why SNRFB came to be.  You don’t send Rogers out on mission without Barnes, is what I’m saying.

So one day, we’re back in England and we’re in a pub, yeah? And Sarge here, he goes, “I’m out for the night.  You fellas keep Steve outta trouble, hear?”

And we’re all “Yes, Mom” and he rolls his eyes at us and calls us smart-alecks but hey, watch Captain Rogers.  Shouldn’t be hard, right?

Except that happened to be the night that some asshole takes exception to the fact that I’m Japanese-American and says some shit about me committing “hairy-carry” for the Emperor. 

And Rogers, okay, he don’t take no guff like that from anyone and he don’t like bullies and he don’t like it if someone disrespects somebody from his team.  He also said something about we’re all loyal Americans and we’re all soldiers fighting together.  Pretty touching.  Brings a tear to my eye when I think about it. 

(Look, it’s hard to believe that a fella like Steve Rogers could be real until you meet him and you go, well _shit_ , there are actual princes of men in this world.)

So Asshole gets introduced to Cap’s fist.  I introduce Asshole’s buddies to my foot. I solemnly swear that Asshole was the one who swung first.  At a superior officer. 

And look, it was Dum Dum who yelled “CHESTY PULLER IS A WUSS!!!” in a pub where Marines could hear him.

I have to say that it was Cap who saved all of our asses at that point. 

Needless to say, we spent a whole day hiding ourselves from Mrs. Rogers.  Even though all his boo-boos healed a hella lot earlier than the rest of us.  I mean, Mrs. Rogers entrusted his baby to us.  Keep him outta trouble, yeah?  We didn’t do too good a job there. 

Mrs. Rogers got over the snit eventually.  Personally, watching those two kiss and make up can rot your teeth out.

_\- end -_


	8. someday my prince will....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/90438888966/thats-it-im-going-to-be-a-fuzzy-blue-ushanka)

_The following narrative was found in an old journal kept by Jim Morita, one of the Howling Commandos, together with this clipping from a magazine._

__

 

This happened during the first Christmas we spent together as a team.  We already had more than a few missions under our belt and maybe, just maybe, we were thinking we’d make it through this goddamn war after all. 

I shouldn’t be sad thinking about this.  This is supposed to be a happy memory.  Well, at least Sarge isn’t going to be around to kill me for this.  Heh. 

I ought to start with some background.  So, it’s sort a thing with soldiers, yapping about their sweethearts or wives back home.  Most fellas need to hold on to something that’s about _home_ , something to keep fighting for or pretty much just to hold it all together.  Anybody who says that’s sissy talk and tries to tell you different, they’re lying.  Everybody has their ways, is what I’m saying. 

So according to Dum Dum, Sergeant Barnes ain’t never joined in when everyone else starts talking about their sweeties and after a while, everyone figures out, man’s gotta have _someone_ waiting for him.  Seriously, Sarge is like a serious ladies’ man, okay?  What with those movie-star looks and all that charm, he pretty much has all the dames after him, only he never takes it too far.  Nothing that a dame waiting back home would beat him over the head for, right?  

So finally, Sarge cracks and starts talking about his Stephanie, gets all poetical and sweet about her, calls her his baby, his Stevie and even back when we were all prisoners together, we _knew_ she was something special.  Someone Sarge would fight like hell to get home to. 

And well, everyone else knows how this ends.  Captain America shows up, gets us the hell out of there and hey, we’re now comic book heroes except that we still slog through the mud and the rain and bleed and watch the other guy bleed too.  But we’re doing good, we know this.  And we manage to make it to our first Christmas and we’re all still together and we know how goddamn lucky we are that we made it this far. 

Our first Christmas happens to be in this old parish church, which is also an orphanage.  And the kids - and most of us know damn well why they’re there - they sing Christmas carols for us.  And just for a few minutes, it’s like listening to angels coming down from heaven, instead of gunfire and explosions and the sounds of men screaming for their mothers. 

So after the singing, all of us fellas are feeling mellow and it’s Gabe who brings it up.  “Hey Sarge, we haven’t heard about your Stevie for a while.  She send you a Christmas card or something?”

And Sarge, his eyes get huge and he makes frantic “shut up” gestures and Cap surprises the hell outta us because of all the guys in the group, we’d think _he_ would know about Sarge’s Stevie.  Because he grins and says, “Hey Buck, I thought I was the only Stevie in your life?”

And okay - I’m going to take a moment to tell what Sarge says about his “Stevie.”  Soft blonde hair that smells like flowers.  Eyes blue as the summer sky.  Artist.  Irish temper.  Sassy as all hell.  And we kind of realize, at the same time that Rogers probably does, _who the hell Stevie actually was._

Also, I’d like to point out that Sarge looked like a red, red rose at that moment. 

We didn’t want to look at the Captain. 

I solemnly swear that we would have all gotten out of there, let the pair of them have a talk and I was getting ready to deck anyone who’d start any shit about being queer because fuck that.  No.  Really.  It ain’t our goddamn business.  Cap and Sarge have always had our backs and they’re worth hella lot more than some of the officers and other high-up muckity-mucks we’ve served under. 

But this kid, this little girl, like an angel from heaven, comes up to Dernier looking like she’s lost her puppy.  And turns out, all she wanted for Christmas was to see _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs_ and well, it isn’t as if we could magic up a movie for these kids.  But we could do the next best thing, since we’ve all seen that movie.

So we set up a little play, right?  And the rest of us kind of get the roles sorted out - I called dibs on being the Evil Queen.  Three guesses on who was going to be Snow White.

"I’d rather be the Queen," Sarge grumps.  "Why can’t Steve be Snow White?"

"Skin as white as snow, hair as black as ebony, lips as red as blood.  I mean, seriously, Sarge, you’re pretty much it right there," Dum Dum reasons out. 

"I’ll do the singing parts, if it helps," Cap offers and we’re all not saying a goddamn word about how _he’s_ blushing. 

Suddenly, singing _Someday My Prince Will Come_ took a whole new world of meaning when the four of us got to singing it - me, Cap, Gabe and Monty.  

Dernier did the narrative bits and we managed to put on a really good show for the kids, all the way up to the point where Snow White was supposed to be “dead” because of the poisoned apple and Prince Steve…. uh…. _Charming_ was supposed to kiss her awake. 

I repeat.  _Kiss her awake._

So Cap’s been in showbiz, right?  He did the whole chorus girl routine before he finally joined the war for real, so he’s got great stage presence.  So all the kids heave dreamy sighs when he gets up on that stage to find Snow White in her coffin (it was several wooden boxes that we draped with a bedsheet and decorated with a bunch of paper flowers) and he kneels down and…. _kisses_ Snow Bucky on the forehead.

The kids are disappointed. 

"You’re supposed to kiss her on the lips!" A kid pointed out. 

We all deserved some kind of Academy Award at that moment for _not_ bursting into hysterical giggles. 

Well, Cap … uh, _Prince_ Steve, promptly thanks the kid and corrects his aim and gives Snow Bucky a proper (if chaste) kiss on the lips. 

And Snow Bucky’s eyes flutter open and the kids all cheer.  So yeah, all things considered, Operation: Snow White Howling Commandos-style was a roaring success.

A bit later, I kind of stumbled onto Cap and Sarge talking in a nice private corner where no kids - kids including us - could find them.  Well, that was the theory anyway. 

"So…. _Stevie?”_ Cap asked.

Sarge reaches up to scratch the back of his neck.  “The fellas were talking about their sweeties back home.  So… I uh…. yeah.  Talked about you.” 

I couldn’t see Cap’s expression but I could imagine it.  “You trying to tell me you’re sweet on me, Buck?”

Sarge glares.  “I been sweet on you since forever.  Okay?  There.  I’m admitting it.  You got a problem with that, punk?”

"Only problem I got is if you’re going to deck me if I try this on for size."  And Cap, in one of the smoothest moves I’ve ever seen and I’ve been around Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes so I’ve seen a _lot_ , steals a kiss. 

"Been sweet on you since forever too, you jerk," Cap tells him. 

"You're a punk is what you are."  And Sarge kinda grins wobbily up at him, frames the big lug’s face with his hands and starts doing some kiss-stealing back. 

So, of course, I didn’t linger long.  From the looks of things, it was obvious that Cap and Sarge sorted out that little thing about _Stevie_ and I snuck back to the rest of the guys and reported the happy news.

Dernier somehow managed to get his hands on champagne and we toasted the happy couple.  

I wish I could say that we all lived happily ever after.  But I can say that Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes made a damn good try at it.  I can still believe that. 

The two of them lived happily ever after. 

_\- end -_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Note:** If you clicked on the original Blanket Fort link, you can see that I narrowly escaped being turned into a Russian hat by an outraged Winter Soldier. Sorry, Bucko, I just couldn't resist! :P


	9. #51.  Nobody is Allowed to Discuss the Alien Teddy Bear Incident.  Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/91233300296/51-nobody-is-allowed-to-discuss-the-alien-teddy)

First off, everyone had to remember that it was a _war_ and well, people all had their ways of coping.  And as every soldier will tell you, between the times you spent getting your ass shot off (Easy Company had more than its share of _literal_ butt shots, for example), shooting at the enemy, trying not to get blown to Kingdom Come - there were the endless hours of _waiting._

So everyone had their own ways to deal with that.

Some of these were obvious - letters to wives and sweethearts, pin-up girls, card games, trading stories etc.  Some were a bit more…. out there, like Morita and Dugan’s cockroach racing scam.  And of course, everyone knew at this point about Rogers and Barnes’ Corporal Bucky Bear.

Cap even got congratulatory cigars from the fellas over at the 101st, with the note, _Congratulations, Cap, it’s a bouncing baby bear!_

(It was a thank you, really, since Cap and the Commandos toughed it out with the 101st during the Battle of the Bulge.  And yeah, the Commandos agreed that nobody at Bastogne  _needed_ rescuing by Patton, thanks much.)

Corporal Bucky Bear soon became the subject of one wild story after another, to the chagrin of his human “mama” who would roll his eyes and tell the rest of the guys that “you’re all a buncha smartasses with too much time on your hands!”

It must be said, however, that the Alien Teddy Bear Incident was the absolute truth. 

Apparently, HYDRA had managed to somehow bring these small, but fierce little creatures through a botched, never to be replicated experiment with what SSR would later identify as the Cube.  It was during a raid of a HYDRA base that the Commandos would find the Alien Teddy Bears, who were going to be subjected to experiments and other untold horrors.

There was nothing to be done for it.  They were going to be rescuing the Alien Bears.

Between Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes, they managed to gain the trust of the littlest Alien Bear - who would identify himself as Wicket - and they got all seven of the little guys out of there and back to base camp. 

When the Alien Teddy Bears discovered that Rogers and Barnes were the proud “parents” of Corporal Bucky Bear, they had all but worshipfully followed both men, but especially Rogers, for the entire length of time they were at camp.  Colonel Phillips soon had to get used to the sight of their only super soldier being trailed from behind by seven little Teddy Bears happily “yub-yub”-ing all the while. 

"You know," Mrs. Rogers would observe to his husband, after a while.  "I always thought we’d never have babies together but I guess I should’ve known we’d have…. _bears?”_

"Yub!"

Captain Rogers sighed and gave a very happy Wicket an ear rub.  “Maybe we should try for an even dozen?”

He got a faceful of blanket for that remark. 

However, a mysterious figure who named himself Heimdall would eventually arrive to bring the Alien Teddy Bears home.  The Bears were all very sad to leave their “Steeb” and “Mama Bucky” (Bucky’s eye would still twitch at this - it was really all Dum Dum’s fault for teaching the Bears this) but Earth was not their home and they really needed to go back to their true world, in a galaxy, far, far away.

Colonel Phillips would still have to add this as #51 on his Famous List.

Many decades later, a man named George Lucas would be added to SHIELD’s watchlist for the usage of Ewoks in his Star Wars movies. 

_\- end -_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Note:** I blame [tygermama](http://tmblr.co/mIVIFdWJhpBzI3oYSkajvBA) and [steampagan](http://tmblr.co/mOW76VaImrob7aRnMVCpjQg) for this Utter CRACK.  YOU ALL BROKE ME OKAY.  YOU BROKE ME. 


	10. See Rule #51 GODDAMMIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This bit of epic cracktasticness was originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/91290645161/see-rule-51-goddammit-why-are-there-goddamn)
> 
> All apologies to poor Tony Stark.

_A glimpse into the future:_

"Why are there goddamn Ewoks in my Tower, Steve?"

"Funny, I thought it was supposed to be our Tower.  It says Avengers out on the front — "

"We’re being overrun by goddamn alien Teddy Bears and you sass at me? Are they midget cosplayers? Is this an Old People Prank? Did you and Preved Medved actually MAKE actual baby bears of your own somehow?"

"Mama Bucky!"

"JESUS CHRIST!  I thought I told you guys to stop calling me that!"

"Steeeeeeeb."

"No, I’m not saving you from your Mama’s wrath there, buddy." 

"You’re petting him - why are you petting him - they’re going to want to STAY - "

"Tony.  Breathe.  They’re old friends."

"Yub! Yub!"

"This is not an answer to my question.  Did you and your lovely Missus Winter Soldier somehow gain the ability to make baby bear babies?! I thought Corporal Bucky Bear was a JOKE!"

"Well, Stark Junior, when a pair of Super Soldiers love each other very, very much and have outstanding sex every day that ends in a -y…"

"Bucky!  Not in front of the babies!"

"Yes, dear."

"And to answer your question - blame Thor.  He got ambushed by cute, big pleading eyes and he couldn’t say no.  So they’re visiting.  Just for a week or so.  They really love the Star Wars movies though.  Tony? Tony?!"

"Don’t you worry none, Stevie, I got Stark Junior.  We’ll just put him on the couch over here, grab an ice bag - he’ll be right as rain in no time."

"Yub! Yub!"

"Yeah, Wicket, you go pet the nice fella’s hair.  He’ll appreciate that when he wakes up."

_\- end -_


	11. Captain and Mrs. Buck Rogers in the 21st Century

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/91807733391/captain-and-mrs-buck-rogers-in-the-21st-century)

It was Peggy Carter who left explicit instructions on what to do if Captain America and the Winter Soldier were ever found.

She ought to know - she was the one who made her goodbyes to both men, on that fateful day when they’d made their valiant attempt to stop the Red Skull from flying the Valkyrie to New York in a plane full of weapons of mass destruction.  

She’d also been the one to finish what Steve Rogers had started - the deprogramming of the Winter Soldier. 

Official records state that Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes fell from the train and was presumed KIA on a failed mission to capture Dr. Amin Zola. Unknown to SSR at the time, Zola had apparently infused Barnes with a version of Erskine’s Super Soldier Serum, enabling him to survive that fall.  After replacing his mangled left arm with a surprisingly sophisticated metal prosthetic and putting him under severe torture and brainwashing techniques, Barnes emerged as HYDRA’s newest weapon codenamed as  _the Winter Soldier._

The Winter Soldier was consequently sent against a few high-ranking Nazi officials deemed as obstacles to the HYDRA cause.  Zola ultimately intended that the Soldier be sent after Hitler himself, so that the Red Skull would be able to take power as the Reich’s new _Fuhrer_ but the Red Skull, against all advice, opted to send the Soldier against Captain America.  He thought it fitting - pitting the two men, once friends, against each other.

Zola’s “re-programming” didn’t hold the moment the Captain recognized his Sergeant and called him by name.  Captured by SSR, utterly confused and disoriented, the Soldier’s return back to his team would be completed by Agent Carter breaking one of the most important rules in Colonel Phillips’ infamous “List.”

She sat down and re-told the Grenade Story.  And then she followed it up by telling Barnes how Steve, newly injected with the Super Soldier Serum, conducted a car chase around Brooklyn _barefoot,_ taking on an armed HYDRA spy bare-handed and preventing him from running back to HYDRA with a sample of Erskine’s formula.  

The resulting argument between “Captain and Mrs. Rogers” became the stuff of SSR and later SHIELD legend.

So when Peggy Carter leaves _orders_ on how to treat two American war heroes, one of whom was potentially still unstable, those orders  _should_ have been followed.

Somebody still screwed up anyway.

The first mistake was the movie set they’d set up, to make Steve Rogers believe that he was still in 1945. 

The second mistake was that the radio was playing a baseball game that Steve had actually seen himself.  It had been a game he and Bucky had seen together, Bucky treating him after receiving a raise in his wages. 

The third mistake was that he and Bucky were separated and Steve woke alone. 

The resulting clusterfuck was epic, to say the very least.  But the utter catastrophe that _could have followed_ was even worse.

"Director, I woke up and the first thing I thought was that HYDRA had captured me.  The only reason I _didn’t_ actually kill anyone was that finding Bucky and getting us the hell out of there was my priority.  Exactly _what_ do you think the Winter Soldier would do if he thinks I’m in danger and we’re in enemy hands, considering what HYDRA’s done to him before?”

The most creative use of the word “fuck” and “motherfucker” for that year went to Nick Fury - and really, this was the last, absolute, fucking time, they were going to ignore Phil Coulson’s recommendations about the care and handling of a pair of Super Soldiers. 

This was why the Winter Soldier woke up to see his mission safe, sound and wearing a too-tight SSR T-shirt that wasn’t doing any favors for his higher brain functions but at least he wasn’t about to go homicidal on any hapless SHIELD agents. 

And then, the following conversation happened:

"So we’re in the 21st Century now."

"Yep."

"Everyone we know is either dead or getting there."

There’s a soft, anguished sigh.  “Yeah.  Peggy’s still around, but she’s in a nursing home now, up in DC.”

"We’ll go visit.  We promised her a dance."

"We’re late.  We better bring her flowers."

"A whole goddamn buncha roses - we gotta have some sort of back pay coming to us, right?"

"There was this very nice redheaded lady who sat me down and explained it to me, Bucky - I still can’t believe it, but apparently we’re loaded."

"So do we have flying cars yet?"

"Nope."

"Well, damn - what do we have then?"

"Tiny telephones, little notebook sized-things they call tablets where you can carry around an entire library, something they call the Internet and yeah, New York already allows a pair of fellas to marry each other." 

"Two men.  Allowed to get married.  To each other."

"Dames too.  Still have your Ma’s ring, you know."

"Well, we already got the whole sickness and health, richer or poorer and even the death do us part thing - "

"Somehow I think we won the argument with Death about the parting thing - you’re stuck with me, James Buchanan Barnes, that is, if you’re willing."

"Been sweet on you since we were five and I decided I’d marry you even then, Steven Grant Rogers.  Forever doesn’t sound bad at all." 

There’s the soft, distinct sound of a kiss being stolen.  And a couple more for luck. 

"Baby.  Just one thing?"

"Yeah?"

"If we’re getting married, we oughta be ‘Captain and Mrs. Buck Rogers.’ Might as well make it official then - Dum Dum would’ve won the pool." 

Steve laughs and agrees.

_\- tbc -_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This 'verse originally continued into a segment where the boys end up raising a baby Tony Stark. I opted to go with this new segment instead. But I will be posting the Baby!Tony story onto AO3 eventually and attach it to this one as a series. :D
> 
> **Note the Second:** A shoutout to [peskyredhead](http://tmblr.co/mXqsadDSCUJ8n_28I26HDRA) for the whole Captain and Bucky backpay thing.  So I thought she deserved to be in this universe as a SHIELD accountant/agent, explaining to Cap and Bucky how they’re actually rich! :P 


	12. mrs. barnes and mrs. rogers - a list

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted at The Blanket Fort as:
> 
>  
> 
> [mrs. barnes & mrs. rogers](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/91885197561/mrs-barnes-and-mrs-rogers-stop-fidgeting-and)
> 
>  
> 
> [mrs. barnes & mrs. rogers take two](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/91981592041/mrs-rogers-and-mrs-barnes-take-two-theres-a)
> 
>  
> 
> [The List Part 1: Mrs. Rogers & Mrs. Barnes](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/91998993751/the-list-part-1-mrs-rogers-mrs-barnes)

**1. Smile for the Camera, Baby**

"Stop fidgeting and just smile for the camera, Mrs. Rogers."

"I thought _you_ were Mrs. Rogers.”

"We’re both married fellas now and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with being a Missus, least so it says right here in our ‘Welcome to the 21st Century’ Packets.  Feminism and everything."

"Well, I don’t mind being Mrs. Barnes if you’re Mrs. Rogers, is what I’m saying."

"Now that’s sweet, doll - who taught you to talk so nice?"

"Learned everything from watching my best guy at work."

Of course, this justifies the kiss-stealing.  Bucky lingers just long enough to ensure that Steve’s lips are kissed-pink and then he snaps the picture.

"And there’s my baby.  I’m turning this into my cellphone wallpaper."

"You used the American flag for my background, Bucky.  Really?"

"Well if I can’t have you spread out on our bed just wearing the tights…"

_"Bucky!"_

Somewhere in SHIELD, Nick Fury is bringing out General Chester Phillips’ old, infamous List and reviewing the damn thing all over again.  He’s also making a few more additions. 

 

**2.  There’s a few pertinent facts about this picture:**

a.  It is usually accepted that the more delicious aspect of this picture would have to be the man about to enjoy that burger and Mrs. James Buchanan Barnes is not _biased_ in this assessment, nope nope nope.

b.  Mrs. Steven Grant Rogers did not end up laughing his ass off when he realized his newly wedded husband opted to use this as his cellphone wallpaper. 

"You’re a sap, Mrs. Barnes."

"Says the fella who has me with the American flag as background for his cellphone wallpaper."

c.  The reason why Bucky seems to have both his arms in this picture is due to Anthony Edward Stark.  They’d read his file and they were both warned by Agent Coulson to not mention his father.  Seriously, Bucky wished Howard was still around, the man deserved a punch in the kisser for treating his kid like that, honestly, _what the actual fuck, Howard_ \- and Steve was in complete agreement.

Tony was still completely obnoxious though.  A genius, but still a little shit.  Then again, he was in good company.

"Oh, _yuck_ , Nazi-cult tech.  I can do _way_ better and hey, you want that arm of yours to still have the metal vibe or just look like the other one? I can still put lasers in it, either way!”

"The answers would be yes, please, thank you.  No metal look - less HYDRA reminders the better.  No lasers."

"You’re no fun at all."  And then, there’s a cheeky grin that Bucky’s all too familiar with, considering that he’s married to Steve.  "Didya know that Cap’s ex-girlfriend was my Mom?"

Technically, Peggy Carter was Steve’s _almost-_ girlfriend, because Steve had figured out who Bucky’s “girl” really was and no, Steve was not the type to lead a woman on and Peggy would’ve handed him his ass if he actually even entertained the very _thought_.    Still, nobody could control the history books and society’s prejudices at that point in time so Bucky was on the record as Steve’s best friend and Peggy was the legendary “love interest.” 

The two of them would get around to correcting that eventually.  Peggy would gleefully back them up on this - they still owed her a dance, after all. 

Also, the two of them also figured out that nobody could control Tony Stark when he was trying to pull somebody’s leg.  “Trolling” was apparently how the kids referred to it these days.

But there was an answer to that.

"So I guess now’s the time to tell you that Steve and I originally thought we fathered you on Peggy?  I mean, obviously, the timing is all wrong but still — "

"He’s got the Barnes charm and you and Peggy are both brunettes too," Steve considered.  Anybody who thought that Steve Rogers couldn’t lie for shit were never exposed to Steve using his powers of Innocence for Nefarious Purposes. 

"And he’s a teeny little punk like you used to be," Bucky counters.

Tony blinked.  “No.  Wait.  What.  You two and Aunt Pegs…. No.  NO NO NO NO NO.  BRAIN BLEACH!!!! BRAAAAAIIIIIINNNN BLEACH!!!!!”

d.  Agent Coulson was already a Captain America and Bucky Barnes fan, but their ability to actually _break_ Tony Stark elevated them both to godhood in the SHIELD Agent’s eyes. 

e.  After this picture was taken, Captain and Sergeant Rogers-Barnes would pay a visit to a very old, distinguished lady, who had been patiently waiting for seventy years for her dance date. 

The music would be _My Guy’s Come Back_ and _I’ll Be Seeing You._

They were both gentlemen and they were aware that they were terribly late for that date.  So they brought her flowers. 

**3.  The Banana Thing**

"No, Tony, I don’t _care_ what it looks like, I don’t care about it being the right color.  _That_ is not a banana.  It may look like a banana, it may be shaped like a banana but that ain’t no banana.”

"Hey, Sarge, your hubby just this picky about fruit or is this a geriatric thing?"

"Those ain’t no fucking bananas I’ve ever tasted, Junior.  _Stark_ Junior, I mean.”

"STOP. CALLING. ME. THAT."

**4.  Finding Out About the Dodgers**

"Wow.  Fuck me - I didn’t know Captain America had that kinda potty mouth on him."

"It’s the fucking Dodgers.  He’s got a right to be pissed. Hell, _I’m_ sore about it.”

"… who knew Captain America could swear in _three_ languages?”

"Actually, he can swear in seven and probably a coupla more.  I taught him the others."

**5.  Gadgets & the Internet **

So Tony, because he enjoys sending up a massive FUCK YOU to Apple, Microsoft and HammerTech, took on the challenge of creating software and hardware that would be the epitome of user-friendly to two Super Soldier Geriatric Icicles.

It takes Bucky five minutes to break his StarkPad.  Metal hand.  Whoops.

It takes Steve about twenty minutes to figure out Photoshop.  It’s not long before he figures out how to scan his artwork and work digital art magic.  He’s having way too much fun with it. 

And then:

"Hey, Bucky, this Tumblr thing looks like a good place for artists….?"

**6.  You Tube**

"Cats playing the piano, Bucky?"

"Well it was either that or porn….. jeeezas, is that even possible?"

"We could try it later…."

"I love your mind, baby, you know that, right?"

"You two are destroying _every_ preconception I had about Captain America and his teenage sidekick Bucky.  Destroying my childhood.  Horrible, therapy things.  You know that, right?”

"First of all, I am not Steve’s _teenage_ sidekick, I’m older than him by a year.  Secondly, we actually had wild, raunchy sex in the 1940’s - and let me tell you, Steve in the sack is — “

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

**7.  You Tube Part 2**

Phil Coulson nearly had a heart attack when he heard that Steve and Bucky uploaded an actual _video_ to You Tube.

Given that he had _not_ expected the propensity for mischief that these two had - and heaven help him, he had his Grandfather Chester’s List to refer to - he was half expecting it to be something sexually related, in which Fox News and the Daily Bugle would have a coronary.

Well, nobody in their right mind would miss certain people there but hey, it was the principle of the thing.

It turns out that Bucky played the piano.

Bucky was also incapable of refusing Steve _anything_ , especially when he turned on the full power of what Stark called “The Steve Rogers Kittens and Puppies Look AUGH RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.”  

So this was really Bucky playing a song that they had both just discovered and liked, having caught up on modern music.  Steve sang along. 

The public, still reeling from the fact that Captain America and Sgt. Barnes were discovered alive, immediately pounced on this video of the newlyweds singing together.

YouTube promptly broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Phil Coulson is Chester Phillips' grandson. I had to headcanon that. I HAD TO.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/89106817476/mrs-rogers-and-captain-barnes-for-the-record)


End file.
